Hillary Clinton Participates in Mustache Solidarity Month

Expresses Disappointment with Quitters

26 January 2006 – New York Senator Hillary Clinton publicly revealed for the first time today, a magnificent mustache based on the look most closely associated with TV heartthrob, Geraldo Rivera. She grew the mustache to show her support and admiration for a small group of dedicated intelligence professionals in their annual Mustache Solidarity Month, which occurs every January. “I wanted to show that I am just one of the guys” she said in an exclusive interview. “I planned to surprise the men at the end of the month when they show off their efforts.”

Hillary said that she was very disappointed to learn that several have already quit using such lame excuses as “it interferes with my ability to meet women,” or “I look like a lunch lady” or even the almost understandable “my wife threatened to divorce me.” Mrs. Clinton also expressed regret that the section management refused to participate in this morale-building exercise. She wanted to congratulate those that were able to persevere, such as Nick, a gung-ho brand-new Naval Reserve officer. To Chris with his “Earl-stache”, who continued to grow his mustache despite threats of divorce and excommunication from his church and even strangers turning to avoid him in crowded shopping malls, she gave special encouragement. “I know how lonely it can be,” she commented, “when everyone is intimidated by your almost supernatural powers to grow facial hair … and you KNOW what I mean!” She also explained that she felt sorry for Drew, another member who was also purportedly growing the “Geraldo-stache.” “He made a brave but inadequate attempt,” she said, but she encouraged him to keep trying.

Mrs. Clinton claimed to have grown the perfect duplicate of Mr. Rivera’s mustache in only four days, nearly beating Chris for the award presented to the man, or woman, able to grow the quickest full mustache. When contacted for his comments, Mr. Rivera (right) expressed a mixture of surprise and disgust. He was surprised to learn that Hillary admired him from afar, a feeling that up until now he has secretly reciprocated. However, he was horrified that she was able to cultivate in four days, a mustache that has taken him years to perfect. He claimed that although Hillary looked better in the mustache than he did, he would sue her for copyright infringement. “We will see who gets the last laugh” he said.

Hillary hopes to eventually create her own look so that future Mustache Solidarity Month participants might try to emulate her. “That would be a dream come true,” she said.